Heal all pain

 

I was terribly upset awhile ago. Sometimes I just feel so damn left out and today I totally burst out. I felt so so so left out that when I got back home from church I just started crying. I don’t remember crying this bad at all. I really envy the fact that she something special that peopl are immediately attracted to. Maybe she is more outgoing than I am. But it is just that when I pop in, everyone has got nothing to say… I bet you are like so lost now right?! I’m sure most would know about Havolyn, she is someone I have known since I remember and the one I’m still in contact with. Apparently she makes friends and all and somehow they don’t mix with me?! Like what on earth is going on?! Whenever someone new come in, I make it a point to immediately go and talk to them because if Havolyn starts, there is no ending. Or so, I think. But I guess she really made some bonds during the barbecue last week when I was busy setting up and she was just sitting and talking and all. So I guess she got so close with those people that when I’m between them, they don’t talk!! Like today, after church I was talking to the 3 girls and H as well when one girl pointed out that H wasn’t talking, and she knew the reason why. And I have thise awesome gift when I just know that people are talking about me. And I got it. I got it that they weren’t talking as much as they usually do because I was there and it was just awkward. Is it wrong to be good? I mean, don’t people want to be around people who are good? So yeah, since I, being so smart, got the message, I moved away. And guess what I did? I went and sat with the aunties who were talking about some cooking receipe. Can things can better? I mean look at me. Someone my age should mix with people in their own age group, and me?? I was pathetically somewhere else, unwillingly hearing about how a fish has to be cooked. Atleast they welcome me. So after I moved away, these girls were all happily chit-chatting away and wow. See how much of change there can be when I’m not there. I don’t want to spoil the fun for the girls, so I’ll stay away. And I even did up encouragement cards for them. It felt very useless but hey, leave it… I just know I’m not welcome, so I’ll stay away.

So my list of people to thank is getting smaller and at the same time, the excitement is getting lesser. I find there isn’t any point… You know, I got home and started whinning about it to God. Like why I’m different from them and all, and I get a call from my bestie. You know, God knows exactly what to do and all. After hearing her voice, I chocked on my words and then got back on track. She really made things awesome for me. She went on about how she forgot her anniversary and how her bf gave her a kiddish punishment and I just found it funny, that I laughed. I was asking God why I was feeling this way and see how he made Abigail call me up and talk to me, making me feel all so much better? That is God. Man I’m still crying over what happened at church and all, but you know not as much as I was earlier. I feel so much comforted that there are people out there who still love me for who I am, and accept me for me. I’m not perfect and all, but thinking about it, maybe I didn’t fit into their group because I’m different in a good way. I just read what I wrote before this sentence, and I let out a teary laugh. I think I feel better already. But definitely I will be a bit bothered by what’s happening around me but I will take it in my stride won’t I. Don’t we all get up after falling down in the middle of the road when many cars are approaching? We run don’t we? That’s how it’s supposed to be. And I thank God for letting me learn this lesson today.

Having a revision lecture tomorrow and hopefully by tonight I’ll be able to fix my smile. I realised that I look pretty when I smile. Don’t I? It’s going to take so much time to recover from the shock I had today, but God would probably help me yeah. Things to do, Ciao.

Oh I totally forgot, you know they have this facebook thing like what God wants to tell me today? I think it’s finally helped me.

On this day of your life, Krishna, we believe God wants you to know…
… that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don’t want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

 Maybe the first sentence didn’t make sense, but the last did. See what suffering I had today? That might just be because I didn’t accept life in the divine form maybe…So maybe to be happy, I have to understand life and accept it for it is. Ciao.